I Will Survive

Daily Scorpio Forecast

2006-10-27T11:14:00.000-04:00

Quickie: Your flexibility is paying off and people will soon reward you for your patience.
Overview: Your determination makes even the most far-fetched plans seem feasible; and that, combined with your unbeatable work ethic right now, makes you hard to stop. You're determined to climb that mountain.

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
There is good news coming for your overcrowded schedule -- it's going to be able to relax very soon! Some unexpected changes are coming, and you should soon see things free up quite a bit. Your willingness to be flexible is paying off, and people are going to reward you for always being there when they need you. It might be a good idea to think up a last-minute getaway or a short trip, because you might soon have the time to take it. Scan the Internet for juicy last-minute deals!

What Age Do You Act?

2006-10-26T15:10:00.000-04:00

You Are 26 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

2006-07-05T16:00:00.000-04:00

You're A Crazy Drunk

When you drink, you get wrecked - and it ain't pretty.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

How Observant Are You?

2006-04-28T11:10:00.000-04:00

Your Observation Skills Get A B-

Your senses are pretty sharp (okay, most of the time)
And it takes something big to distract you!

How Observant Are You?

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

2006-04-27T08:15:00.000-04:00

You Are Dancer

Carefree and fun, you always find reasons to do a happy dance.
Why You're Naughty: That dark stint you had as Santa's private dancer.
Why You're Nice: You're friendly. Very friendly.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

What Flavor Martini Are You?

2006-04-25T10:38:00.000-04:00

You Are A Blueberry Martini

You are a eclectic drink - liking to change drinks and venues often.
You are usually the first of your friends to find a cool new dive bar or cocktail.
You should never: Drink mystery drinks strangers hand you. Unless you want to wind up in foreign country.
Your ideal party: Is mobile, hopping from party to party.
Your drinking soulmates: Those with an Orange Martini personality.
Your drinking rivals: Those with a Chocolate Martini personality.

What Flavor Martini Are You?

What Tarot Card Are You?

2006-04-24T14:54:00.000-04:00

You Are The Moon

You represent the unconscious side of life, what happens in dreams.
You are capable of great genius - but also of great madness.
Emotions tend to be primal for you, both your fears and your fantasies.
Your intuition is always right, listening to it is the difficult part.

Your fortune:
You are about to embark on a very important journey - and a very difficult one.
Some of your deepest dreams will be realized, as well as some of your deepest nightmares.
Follow your creativity and visions; stay away from your weaknesses.
You are taking a voyage to the center of yourself, and you may be pleasantly surprised by what you discover.

What Tarot Card Are You?

What Color Flower Are You?

2006-04-21T14:36:00.000-04:00

You Are a Blue Flower

A blue flower tends to represent peace, openness, and balance.
At times, you are very delicate like a cornflower.
And at other times, you are wise like an iris.
And more than you wish, you're a little cold, like a blue hydrangea.

What Color Flower Are You?

What Time of Day Are You?

2006-04-20T13:57:00.000-04:00

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Time Of Day Are You?

Today's Horoscope and some good news

2006-04-19T08:07:00.000-04:00

Okay so it's been awhile. Here's today's horoscope which kind of relates to some good news that I have.

Quickie: There is no shame in asking for help. It's wise to realize you can't do it all.
Overview: Sometimes, when a person fits into your life, all the other circumstances make way to accommodate your joint needs. Expect a magical time when the borders between you and that certain someone blur.

Daily extended: Management isn't just a ten-letter word that you can look up in any English language dictionary (and a handful of foreign language dictionaries, as well). No, it's a key to your success. Yes, if you weren't the fantastic manager that you are there's no way you would have achieved the things you have. So have a management party! Order cake and toast yourself!

Okay well actually it's the extended part that relates to the fact that I got a new job. You are now reading the works of the new Accounts Payable Supervisor. WOOHOOO. Looks like I need to start planning a party.

Today's Horoscope

2006-03-13T09:12:00.000-05:00

Quickie: It can be hard to keep track of all your secrets! Pare down the drama in your life.
Overview: Someone's grandstanding just makes you want to roll your eyes. While your reaction is totally justified, try and be discreet about it. You'll weather this well if you find ways to keep a low profile now.

Daily extended: Your sign is known for its magnetism, and for the innate ability to tempt anyone into doing just about anything by simply suggesting it in 'that way.' So when someone you find absolutely irresistible walks by, you'll do everything in your power to entice them into spending some time with you. If they're already yours, so much the better. Still, you won't work any less hard or any less charmingly, and they'll be just as infatuated as they were the first time you wooed them. If they're not yours, well, let's just say that situation won't last for very long at all.

Today's Horoscope

2006-01-30T15:36:00.000-05:00

Quickie: A suggestion of a radical change indicates there's trouble beneath the surface.
Overview: It's all about keeping the home fires burning. You're intent on doing whatever it takes to make sure you've got enough fuel for the long haul, too. You know exactly what it is you have to do.

Daily extended (by Astrology.com) It's easy to keep denying yourself the fun you've wanted to have, to keep telling yourself that you'll do it next week, or next month or next year. Fortunately, you have someone in your life now who won't let you get away with that kind of thing -- not now, anyway. Don't argue with them, and for heaven's sake, don't alienate them. Reward them. Take them along for the ride, whether it's via car, plane or train.

Living Will

2006-01-20T08:53:00.000-05:00

Someone emailed this to me and I thought I'd share it with you.

New Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for (please initial all that apply):
chocolate,
a margarita,
a coke,
a steak,
a book,
the remote control,
a bowl of ice cream,
a Crown &Coke,
sex,

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Signature:

Date:

Witness:

And remember my motto;

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, Diet Coke in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Maxine, again

2005-12-15T09:22:00.000-05:00

Monthly update

2005-11-30T14:23:00.000-05:00

Okay so it seems that I can only blog on the last day of the month. Oh well. So the parental unit and I spent a week in Kentucky during Thanksgiving. Had a pretty good time except for the long trip (12 hours there and 10 1/2 hours back). We visited a few distilleries: Buffalo Trace, Wild Turkey, and Jim Beam. We had a personal tour with just me, mom, and my great aunt at Buffalo Trace and sampled 2 bourbons, a vodka, and a bourbon ball. At Wild Turkey we had a group tour and sampled some bourbon fudge. Jim Beam only had a walking tour where you didn't really see a whole lot but we did get to sample 2 bourbons. I was also forced to venture into an antique mall one day (the mall was actually an old Wal-Mart store), definitely not my cup of tea but we toured the distilleries at my request so I had to venture into the antique mall at mom's request. We had a nice Thanksgiving with my great aunt and my great uncle and then caught up with distant relatives after dinner Thursday and on Friday. I'll try and post a few pics when I get them back. (I still won't give up the 35mm camera and invest in a digital)

On a side note I'm trying to talk mom into having steaks for Christmas dinner since I'm already turkeyed out but she's not really going for it. Guess I'll just have to try harder.

Slacker queen

2005-10-31T10:26:00.000-05:00

Wow, so I just realized it has been over a month since my last update. Shows how exciting my life has been. The house is finally in my name (yay for mortgage payments) and I decided to keep the truck so it's in my name too(yay for auto loans). Yuppers that's all, so exciting is my life.

Oh & Happy Halloween.

Edgar Allan Poe

2005-09-13T10:25:00.000-04:00

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things that escape those who dream only at night.

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door-
"Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door-
Only this and nothing more."

I became insane, with long intervals of sanity.

The true genius shudders at incompleteness - and usually prefers silence to saying something which is not everything it should be.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;

Things about me

2005-08-29T09:58:00.000-04:00

So I've started one of those '100 things about me'. Right now I'm at 50 and since it took me a week to get to 50 I figured I'd go ahead and post it, but I will be adding to it to get to my 100.

http://aboutgoofywhore.blogspot.com/

today's ramblings

2005-08-22T11:37:00.000-04:00

So I had a "wonderful" run in with the ex-husband over the weekend. Although the split/divorce was his idea, I am so glad that we're not together anymore. He has changed so much over the past 8 months (well actually before that but we won't go into that) that I sometimes wonder what I ever saw in him. Because we were at a 1 year old's birthday party we had to be somewhat friendly towards each other. And we were left alone for 15 - 20 minutes and no blood was shed. I'm quite proud of that. Maybe one day all the anger and resentment that I have will float away. But I'm pretty positive that it's not going to be today.

On another note, I've decided that I don't mind being single but I don't like dating. I didn't like it the first time and I'm 100% positive that I'm not going to like it now. I'm too much of an introvert and don't deal well with others. Especially people I don't know. One would think that after all the schools I've switched in my life (9 by the time I graduated high school and 3 colleges/universities) that I wouldn't have a problem meeting new people and associating with them. Oh well maybe one day I'll grow out of this. Yeah, that sounds unlikely but one can hope can't she?

Horoscope

2005-08-15T10:01:00.000-04:00

This so sucks butt:

Quickie: Something in your soul lightens up. You're able to tackle work much more happily.
Overview: You've got the opportunity to come out on top today, but it won't be easy. You'll have plenty of obstacles in your way, including greed, pride and impatience. Don't let it get to you, and you'll overcome anything.

Daily Extended: Boosting your spirits is a top priority, and the stars give you plenty of chances to do just that. Someone with a talent for merry-making gets thrown into your path and invites you to follow along in their madcap wake. You're initially reluctant, but your curiosity overcomes any misgivings you might have -- and with fantastic results. Give yourself entirely to the moment and enjoy going with the flow.

Alcohol

2005-08-04T09:49:00.000-04:00

I know that at least 2 of my readers don't like country music but I swear this new song is perfect (and I love it). Below are the lyrics to Brad Paisley's Alcohol. (And for those that want you can watch the video at the same link.)

I can make anybody pretty.
I can make you believe any lie.
I can make you pick a fight with somebody twice your size.
Well, I’ve been known to cause a few break-ups,
And I’ve been known to cause a few births.
Well, I can make you new friends, or get you fired from work.

And since the day I left Milwaukee,
Lynchburg and Bordeaux, France,
Been making the bars lots of big money,
And helpin' white people dance.
I got you in trouble in High School,
But College, now that was a ball.
You had some of the best times you’ll never remember with me:
Alcohol; Alcohol.

I got blamed at your wedding reception,
For your best man’s embarrassing speech.
And also for those naked pictures of you at the beach.
I’ve influenced Kings and world leaders,
I helped Hemingway write like he did.
And I’ll bet you a drink or two, that I can make you put that lampshade on your head.

‘Cause since the day I left Milwaukee,
Lynchburg and Bordeaux, France,
I been making a fool out of folks just like you,
And helping white people dance.
I am medicine and I am poison,
I can help you up or make you fall.
You had some of the best times you’ll never remember with me:
Alcohol.

Yeah, since the day I left Milwaukee,
Lynchburg and Bordeaux, France,
Been making the bars lots of big money,
(Helpin' white people dance.)
Yeah, I got you in trouble in High School,
But College, now that was a ball.
You had some of the best times you’ll never remember with me:
Alcohol; Alcohol.
(Alcohol.)(Alcohol.)

Been a while

2005-08-03T15:29:00.000-04:00

So I've had serious bloggers block lately which apparently has decided to keep house for a while. So I'm leaving you with a quote that someone said to me earlier today that just completely rings true.

No one is a virgin; life screws us all.

Maxine's my hero

2005-07-06T13:56:00.000-04:00

Well at least I'm not living with one anymore.

Endings and yet beginnings

2005-06-29T10:04:00.000-04:00

So, I can now be classified in the divorce category. And all would be proud of the way I held everything together, almost the entire time. Then the judge asked why we couldn't work it out and I lost it. All the strength I thought I had just flew out the window. Just one glance at the one I had promised to love, honor, and cherish for the rest of my life and all the hurt, anger, resentment and every other emotion just flooded me again. I walked out of the judge’s chambers with my head held high and tears streaming down my face. Apparently it wasn’t as easy as I had been hoping it would be. And now I’m starting the next book of my life picking up all the pieces.

I have yet to regret anything I have or haven’t done and I refuse to regret this. It may not have turned out the way I had planned and I will most likely hate him for the rest of forever but I don’t regret it. I believe that sometime in the near future I will be a lot stronger than I was, happier than I was, and maybe feel just a little bit of contentment. Definitely won’t be today or tomorrow, most likely won’t be next week or even next month, but I’m positive it will be someday. And until that someday I shall find some way to have fun and enjoy my life right now.

Things turn out best for those that make the best of the way things turn out. - Art Linkletter

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us. - Henry David Thoreau

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined. - Henry David Thoreau

When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment. - Anon

Freedom

2005-06-20T09:46:00.000-04:00

So just an update on the divorce thing: we meet before a Judge on June 28 (provided the asshole shows) and if everything goes as planned (which I'm praying for) I shall have a "freedom" party on Saturday July 2. I had planned on partying everyday but work is kind of demanding that week so I have to limit my partying to Saturday night (since I have to work during the day) and pray that I don't have to work on Sunday & Monday too. And then hopefully my house will be done soon so that my cousin can move in with me at the end of July. Funny how things are all falling into place now. Let's just hope they continue to do so.

g.w.

Absolutely nothing to post about

2005-06-09T11:03:00.000-04:00

Here's today's horoscope:

Quickie: This is one of those days when the stars align, and all the elements tumble into place without any effort. Lucky you!
Overview: Some deep feelings are welling up, and it's time to get them out in the open. You've got a unique opportunity to resolve some past issues -- and start moving into the future.

Daily extended - No situation is so small that it can't spark a profound philosophical discussion. Come on, get into the spirit of things. It's been far too long since you've exercised your intellect in debating one of the Really Big Questions. Whether it's with an old friend or a stranger you just met at the coffee shop, expect to really work those mental muscles contemplating the deeper issues of life. You'll feel like you've been given a new sense of perspective afterward.

Horoscopes

2005-06-08T14:09:00.000-04:00

Since I haven't had much to say as of lately I'm posting my horoscope for today. We'll see how well it rings true.

Daily Scorpio Forecast
Quickie: What is it that you really need in your life right now? Make a wish, and it will happen for you.
Overview: You've been waiting for that little voice to give you a clue, and now it's talking loud and clear. Listen up -- and take into account that you can't completely control what's happening around you.

Daily extended - If you were feeling sluggish as of late, get ready for a startling turn of events. Right now, you've got enough drive to put a Lamborghini to shame. Your reflexes -- both mental and physical -- are so top-notch that it seems almost superhuman to lesser mortals. So enjoy the full extent of your powers and don't be afraid to flex a little muscle in order to get things done. Oh, hey, and while you're at it -- give someone else a hand. You've got energy and talent to spare.

Shitty weekend and updates.

2005-05-31T08:55:00.000-04:00

To get a wonderful review of my weekend see Nowhere Nick's blog. And just for the record I wasn't pouting.

On a side note, I "should" be divorced by August 1. We'll see when that date rolls around. And when it finally does happen I shall be one extemely happy woman.

Ahhhh ................... Memories

2005-05-27T14:07:00.000-04:00

In honor of Nowhere Nick's 21st birthday here's a little trip down memory lane:

Nick & Mama

Nick & Grandaddy

Nick & my mom

Nick & Me

Nick & his mom

Nick & Jamie

Nick, me & my hero

Nick & his hero

Two month deadline

2005-05-26T08:41:00.000-04:00

As my youngest cousin turns 21 tomorrow, I'm realizing that it's time to get my butt in gear. In the past couple of months (or maybe years I'm not sure) I have realized that my life has just kind of slipped past not realizing that I'm just riding along. I should be out enjoying life and living it to the fullest and I always tend to procrastinate and say "well I'll do that later." I'm beginning to understand that "later" may not always be there. And as much as I want to enjoy things now, I still find myself saying "once the divorce is final," or "once I have more money." Giving up on old habits is really hard but maybe once the youngin moves in with me he'll be able to push my butt in gear. That way I'm only procrastinating two months and hopefully things will fall in place by then but if not I'll deal with it. I'm giving myself till the end of July and then I will stop procrastinating with my life and enjoy it.

Marriage, Divorce, Death, & Tackiness

2005-05-13T08:26:00.000-04:00

Realizing that things are not the way you thought they were is a hard pill to swallow as I've learned in the past couple of months. Sometimes you think you know someone or thought you knew someone and then they throw you for a loop by just one action. You go through the motions of your life thinking everything is ok and then one day the husband says he wants a divorce. He isn't happy and apparently hasn't been happy for three out of your four year marriage. You realize that you can't force him to be happy or try and make it work if he's already made up his mind so you agree. You both decide to end things and file the necessary divorce papers. I've always thought that two people were married until the divorce papers were signed by a judge. Apparently my husband on the other hand believes that you can start moving on with your life as soon as you move out of the house as evidenced by the fact that he has a pregnant girlfriend. Now here's where things get tacky. Said husband brings said girlfriend to my uncle's funeral. Granted there hadn't been alot of communicating between me & my uncle because of a long standing fued between me and his wife but I would have thought that said husband would have had a little more respect than that. I would guess that the point to all of this rambling (which is probably only a fourth of the story) is that just when you think things can't get worse they do. And just when you think you're shoulders are full something else drops on them. Learning how to balance all of this pain, confusion, and anger is hard but I haven't fallen over yet so I guess that's something. In the meantime I'm also learning how to adjust to living with mom again after being on my own. So far it hasn't been that bad but I can't wait to have my own place again just for the fact that I can come & go as I want without telling someone. I'm still gonna wait for the divorce to be final before I do any serious dating but I'm gonna start having some fun right now.

Cry Ophelia

2005-05-02T15:09:00.000-04:00

I don't know if there's a way to post the song so you can listen to it but here's the lyrics to one of the songs on my rotation list that fits my mood at the moment.

Adam Cohen - Cry Ophelia

Something went wrong
You are not laughing
It’s not so easy now to get your smile
You gotta be strong
To walk these streets
And keep from falling
But when you’re not, just let yourself cry

You’ve been working hard
Just trying to pay the rent
Tryin’ to draw the line between who you are
and who you invent
But if you throw a stone
Something’s gonna shatter somewhere
We’re all so fragile
We’re all so scared

You say you wanna learn how to live your life
without tears
But we’ve been trying to do that for thousands of years
So go on and cry Ophelia
It’s the only thing to do sometimes
You know I’m crying too
Right there with you
It’s alright Ophelia
Everybody cries

Thank god for my bad memory
I’ve forgotten some of the stupid things
that I’ve done
I’ve come to a little wisdom
through a whole lot of failure
So I watch more carefully what rolls off my tongue

You pray for rain
But you don’t want it from a storm
You find a rose
And cut your finger on a thorn
So go on and cry Ophelia
It’s the only thing to do sometimes
You know I’m crying too
Right there with you
It’s alright Ophelia
Everybody cries Ophelia

Updates.....or not

2005-05-02T08:28:00.000-04:00

So I've been told that it's high time that I add a new post. Problem is I don't have anything of interest to report about. So I'll leave you with this:

Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath. - Jacob Brauole

If you can't convince them, confuse them. - Harry. S. Truman

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. - Andre Gide.

Barefeet, Sweet Tomatah, and Afros

2005-04-18T11:03:00.000-04:00

So my cousin and I ended up at Disney World this weekend (which I'm sure he will have a lengthy blog about later). We went to test out the new Soarin' ride at Epcot (after dealing with the ex who I'm sentencing to rot in hell). If you get a chance to ride this it's worth the wait but only if you wear loose shoes and store them under the seat (hince the barefeet and if you don't understand it well I'm guesing it's probably only something him and I will). Then we went on a trip around the world stopping in Germany for a pretzel and raspberry schnapps. All I can say is that a) the two DON'T go together, b) raspberry schnapps tastes like VICKS, c) I'm a serious lightweight, and d) schnapps doesn't have a very lasting effect (meaning you only feel the effects for like 20 minutes). Then moving right along we stopped at the Pin store (I skipped my last three Pin Annonymous meetings) and I spent a f*ck load of money. Traveling right on to the Magic Kingdom we waited in line for It's A Small World (it sucks donkey butt, always has always will even with the new coats of paint) and Big Thunder Mountain (hadn't done that one in a while but enjoyed it). Left there and ended up at MGM (after spending more money on pins) and the ever picky one (Nick) couldn't decide on where to eat so we left Disney altogether and ended up at Sweet Tomatoes (which really sucked donkey butt). I have since determined that he will not be picking places for us to eat ever again.
And now on to the Afro section. We were supposed to meet up with a friend of his at Downtown Disney around 8 but didn't end up getting together with him until 11 after everything had closed and I had again spent a f*ck load of money on pins (seeing a pattern here?). Nathan-eel is quite the character (which I already knew but apparently had forgotten) sporting a nice sized afro and pics of him from a halloween party dressed as a damn fine woman. We have lots in common since we're at that angry point in our lives. But alas I've determined that most men are chickenshit bastids that can f*cking rot in hell. Toodles

Serenity

2005-04-08T13:34:00.000-04:00

Laughing at the Parental Units.

2005-03-24T08:57:00.000-05:00

Well nothing interesting has happened lately but my cousin and I discovered last night people watching us may sometimes develop a wrong opinion of us. We went to dinner last night and for some reason the parental units just cracked us up. We couldn't stop laughing the whole time and not just the giggling-laughing, no the straight-from-the-belly-can't-breathe-dying-laughing. Our poor waiter, he must've thought we were on something because not only could we not stop laughing but we devoured the bottomless chips & salsa in like 5 minutes. And what was so funny? Absolutely nothing, just our need to make fun of everything the parental units said. I guess this falls under one of those had to be there situations but my stomach still hurts this morning from all the laughing. On a side note when I now see people out and about I won't always assume they've smoked the good stuff I'll just assume they're making fun of the parental units.

The world in only 7 pics

2005-03-07T13:59:00.000-05:00

Someone sent me an email with these:

Only in China

Only in Hawaii

Only in India

Only in Mexico

Only in Thailand

Only in Texas

Lastly,
only in America

Music

2005-03-04T10:15:00.000-05:00

I found this on a website that I frequent.
This is Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot translated into Latin and then translated back into English.
(By Hercules!)

(Rebecca, behold! Such large buttocks she has!)
(She appears to be a girlfriend of one of those rhythmic-oration people.)
(But, as you know)
(Who can understand persons of this sort?)
(Verily, they converse with her for this reason only, namely, that she appears to be a complete whore.)
(Her buttocks, I say, are rather large!)
(Nor am I able to believe how round they are.)
(Lo! How they stand forth! Do they not disgust you?)
(Behold the black woman!)
(Large buttocks are pleasing to me, nor am I able to lie concerning this matter.)
(For who, colleagues, would not admit,)
(Whenever a girl comes by with a rather small middle part of the body)
(Beneath which is an obvious spherical mass, that it inflames the spirits)...
(So that you want to be conspicuous for manly virtue, noticing her breeches)
(Have been deeply stuffed with buttock?)
(Alas! I am captured, nor am I able to desist from gazing.)
(My dear lady, I want to come together with you)
(And make a picture of you.)
(My companions were trying to warn me)
(But those buttocks of yours arouse lust in me.)
(O skin wrinkled and smooth!)
(Did you say you wish to enter my vehicle?)
(I am entirely at your disposal)
(Because you are not an average hanger-on.)
(I have seen her dancing.)
(Forget, therefore, about blandishments!)
(Such sweat! Such moisture!)
(I am borne along as if by a four-horse chariot!)
(I am tired of reading in the gazettes)
(That flat buttocks are judged more pleasing.)
(Ask any black men you wish: the answer will be)
(Rather that they prefer fuller ones.)
(O colleagues [What is it?] O colleagues [What is it?])
(Do your girlfriends have large buttocks? [They certainly have!])
(Encourage them therefore to shake them! [To shake them!])
(To shake them! [To shake them!)
(To shake those healthy buttocks!)
(My mistress stands out behind!)

Math Problem

2005-02-22T08:20:00.000-05:00

Someone emailed me this:

This equation should be taught in all math classes! From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Asskissing that will put you over the top.

Bah, humbug

2005-02-15T08:32:00.000-05:00

Okay so the dreaded holiday created by Hallmark has come and gone. I never understood why people made such big deals out of Valentine's Day. Why can't people show their love 365 days a year instead of only one day? And maybe some people do. Maybe it's the cynic but I think Valentine's Day is just a way for Hallmark, florists, and candy makers to make a butt load of money. Oh well at least it's gone and I don't have to see it until next Feb 14th. On to today's horoscope:

Quickie: There's no reason to stand around in the rain. Bring an umbrella next time.
Overview: Don't even try to look innocent. You know why you were late, and so do your coworkers. They're going to have a great time with you today, letting you know that they're jealous -- and they'd love to hear the details.

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)If you made it into work, first of all, it's a miracle, and second, your coworkers probably haven't let a single chance escape to tell you how tired you look. That kind of good-natured ribbing, along with an early morning surprise message, will get you through the day with a great, big grin on your face. Well, that and a couple of nice, warm memories, that is .... And if you think things are good between you two now, just you wait until tomorrow!

Yup, it's offical. I hate Valentine's Day!

Ponderings

2005-02-10T10:32:00.000-05:00

Someone sent me this email and I thought I'd share it with my very few (okay at least one) readers.

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. All the information you need is provided in the sentences below. No one we know of has gotten it right, including me.
A woman, while at the funeral of her mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought the guy was amazing . . . he was her dream man! She fell in love with him instantly, but never asked for his phone number and could not find him after the funeral. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you answer) then scroll down for the answer.

Answer: She was hoping the guy would show up at her sister's funeral!!! If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist actually used to test if someone has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you - you're normal. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my email list, unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on.

Surprises?

2005-02-08T14:51:00.000-05:00

Okay family members, what's going on?
Daily Scorpio Forecast
Quickie: Life will soon carry you to surprising places. Be open to the unexpected.
Overview: Something is going on with your family members, and you're about to find out what. Don't spend any time worrying about it, though. It's good news. There might even be a new family member en route in one way or another.

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)You've felt this coming for a while now. Certain family members have been smiling smugly, tossing knowing glances around and exchanging meaningful winks. Now, if anyone loves secrets, it's you -- but only when you've been let in on them. Beg, if you have to. There's definitely something going on, and you deserve to know about it. After all, who's better at keeping quiet than you are?
I'm impatiently waiting to see what's going on.

Super Bowl MESS

2005-02-04T07:52:00.000-05:00

Okay so I love the game just as much as the next person but good lord. I spent an hour and 20 minutes stuck in traffic yesterday after work when it normally only takes me 5 to 10 minutes to get home. An hour and 20 minutes stuck, not moving, on the ramp to the bridge. I think it's cool that our city gets to host the Super Bowl but we are definately not ready for it. There is absolutely no organization. We have 5 bridges going through downtown; 1 was closed, 2 had serious no moving traffic, and 2 had lanes closed. All during rush hour traffic. I know this is bringing alot of money into our city but for those of us that live here it sucks.

Useless Information

2005-02-02T14:56:00.000-05:00

On the planet Jupiter, your weight would be nearly three times greater than it is on Earth.

In Russia, imported American hot dogs are big favorites. They are eaten at lunch, dinner, and even breakfast. Wienies are often sliced lengthwise, fried in butter and dished up with bread, cheese, and smoked fish. In 1996, Russian imports of American cured-meat products totaled nearly $76 million.

Fourteen years before the Titanic sailed on an April day in 1912 on her maiden voyage from Southampton to New York, a novel titled "Futility" was published about an unsinkable and glamorous Atlantic liner, the largest in the world. Like the Titanic, the fictional vessel was triple-screw and could make 24-25 knots; at 800 feet, it was a little shorter than the Titanic, but at 70,000 tons, its displacement was 4,000 tons greater. Like the Titanic's, its passenger list was the creme de la creme and there were not enough lifeboats on board. On a cold April night, the fictional "unsinkable" vessel strikes an iceberg and glides to the bottom of the Atlantic. The name of this liner, in the story by Morgan Robertson, was "The Titan."

The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye.

Experts have come to the conclusion that additional U.S. freeways does not automatically ease vehicle congestion. An example was shown in Springfield, Virginia, outside of Washington, D.C. The 8-year, $434 million freeway construction project resulted in commuters shaving only 30 seconds off of their drive time. The conclusion was that motorists lost more time in delays during construction than they could make up once the construction was complete. (amen)

Dolplins are the only other mamals besides humans that have sex for fun.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.

Quotes, quotes and more quotes, and a little horoscope

2005-02-01T11:12:00.000-05:00

Somehow I just can't bring myself to forget about my horoscope. Today's is definately right on the money. Imagine that 3 times in a row it's pretty much correct.
Daily Scorpio Forecast
Quickie: Your confidence stems from your power to convert others to your way of thinking.
Overview: You may not realize it when you open your eyes this morning, but you're a loaded cannon on the deck -- and heaven help anyone who decides it might be fun to test you.

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)Everything you feel will quite literally be written all over your face now. Everything. So if you're angry, don't bother trying to hide it. If you do, you'll only end up snapping at everyone you come into contact with. Instead of all that, why not just tell the person who's pushed your buttons exactly how you feel about what they've done? You don't have to be mean about it. In fact, the calmer you are, the more firmly you'll make your point.

So I've decided to include some quotes that I've found interesting over the past couple of days. (Work is so overrated!)
Life is the art of drawing without an eraser. - John W. Gardner
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. - Unknown
We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves. - Francois Duc de La Rochefoucauld
Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got. - Art Buchwald
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine Hepburn
It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over. - Edna St. Vincent Millay
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now. - Joan Baez
No one is listening until you fart. - Unknown
Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. - Judy Garland
I speak truth, not so much as I would, but as much as I dare; and I dare a little more, as I grow older. - Michel de Montaigne, translated
Fear not that life shall come to an end, but rather fear that it shall never have a beginning. - John Henry Cardinal Newman
We receive three educations, one from our parents, one from our schoolmasters, and one from the world. The third contradicts all that the first two teach us. - Charles Louis de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison
It's kind of fun to do the impossible. - Walt Disney
Well I guess that's all the ones I have for now. I'm sure that I'll come across others that just jump right off the page at me, but for now I'll leave you with one of my favorites. Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. - Confucius

Scorps, family friends, and lottery

2005-01-31T09:17:00.000-05:00

So I ventured into my horoscope again today. Part of it seemed true and part of it was just WRONG. The first part is pretty much right on the money but the second part is completely out of the ballpark.
Daily Scorpio Forecast
Quickie: Your mind is crammed with mundane concerns. Too crammed. Let some go.
Overview: You're sure that keeping quiet for one second longer will drive you nuts, but give it a shot. Some secrets aren't meant to be shared, not with anyone. This just might be one of them.

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)Ready to help unveil the surprise you've known was coming? Even though no one has officially told you about it yet? Bet you are -- and bet you'll be quite smug and happy about it, too. Just don't do any of the talking. Let the actual purveyor of the message deliver the happy news. It's their news, so it's only fair. Besides, why would you take away the chance for congratulatory hugs? You wouldn't.
Just when I thought 2005 couldn't be any worse than 2004 the man upstairs decided that I was wrong. I keep waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel bullshit but it ain't happening. So I receive this phone call last night from my brother's friend who's helping on my house. I can now see why they are friends: they're both stubborn, know it all, asses. And as much as I want/need to vent I just don't want to exert the energy knowing full well that nothing will change and I'll only be more upset. But I'm at the point where I just want to chuck it all and say F.U. I'm moving on. Which before it's all said and done I probably will. But then again I am mostly all talk so who knows what'll happen. Winning the lottery is sounding like a pretty good plan right now too bad I'm not psychic and can pick the right numbers.

One day at a time

2005-01-28T16:07:00.000-05:00

Gee that sounds like some kind of soap or something. Which at of late seems to be my life. So this is my first blog post. We'll see how long it lasts since I'm not one to just jot down random things. I stumbled across my horoscope today and imagine my surprise when it just described my life and me to an exact T.
Daily Scorpio Forecast
Quickie: Be wary of extravagant promises. Read the fine print. And get a receipt.
Overview: This is it. It's been coming for several days -- weeks, even -- and you've decided to call it a day. Whether it's a job, a relationship, a family matter or all three, stand your ground.

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)It's time for you to admit something: Your values have changed. What used to be important no longer matters. That means it's time to make some corresponding outward changes -- some big ones. Fortunately, you're more than ready, even if it means saying good-bye to people, things or ways of life that were once primary to you. Don't worry about it. You'll get through this the same way you get through everything. Bravely.
Then imagine my surprise when I had already decided that I would get through this bravely and somehow come out of it a stronger person. Some would already say that I'm strong and brave but recently I haven't felt that way. Then I decided that I will survive. Nothing is going to bring me down again. I have resolved that I will once again return to my independent nature. So, so long for now.